Happy New Year 2019!
May Nidhogg bless us with his unending [Akh Morn] filled with pure rage.

granblues_episode_407

I don’t think I will write anything in this blog this December until new year so here I am. It may still be in the middle of December but I can already make some predictions about the future of 2019: chaos. There will be national election and – of course – things will go awry. Political turmoil, racism and bigotry will envelop this already piss country and many more bad things to happen. I don’t pray for another Great Depression to come, but looking at the prospective, I won’t be surprised if it happens. We’ll see.

Last year’s prediction is mostly right. There is nothing interesting happens this year, gods bless me, though there are annoying ones but it is not as bad as previous years. Without further ado, let us see what I’ve written last year:

  • Still playing GBF. Lo and behold! I’m still playing, albeit my interest greatly dwindled after the flight of my crew’s danchou. But aye, I’m hyped about WMTSB Part3. However, the game feels like a chore when I hit High Level with no goal in mind. That is why I play lesser and lesser.
  • I want to draw a lot! Ah, how naive of me thinking I can do this! In 2018 I’ve tried to make a circle buddies who have interest in writing, just like Inklings of Oxford, but one person I respected said my draft was “empty”. It hurt. It fucking hurt. And the most painful of all was that I realized she was right. So I quit. I hated mine own writing, drawing, storytelling – everything. After suffered breakdown for several months, now I can finally accept it and say fuck you.
  • I want to finish Death Corps! Not so fast, butthead.
  • Stable income. For a major edit in last days before new year, I lost all respect to my “friends” here. Hearing they don’t acknowledge my 2yrs service here and easily send me off when I tested the water is just… godsdammit, it fucking hurts.
  • Join masfi’s YOKOTARO APPRECIATION artbook in the end of year. It’s delivered well despite not giving my all for it. I thank you guys for giving me an opportunity.

Earlier in 2018, I got to make new friends in workplace and I’m eternally thankful for their presence. My passion for J.R.R. Tolkien’s works reignited after meeting a friend with same interest. I looked back to the past and dreamed of a circle of friends sharing their same passion in written art like C.S. Lewis and Tolkien – just like back then in High School. Alas, the forgiving year turned sour after above point.

And aye, I had to swallow the bitter pill myself. I shared my draft once and was shot down right off the bat. It was true that my writing was shit and it was full of purple prose, but I thought, the critic didn’t have to be like that. I experienced mental breakdown and deleted the circle’s discord before shut myself in.

(more…)

Advertisements

Happy New Year 2018!
Goodbye Mahira! Welcome Vajra!

granblues_noteverything

I’ve written this post in early December since I’m in the mood. Even though it’s still far from new year, I don’t feel there will be something grand in early 2018. Probably some students will flocking in and works piling up like crazy that secretary’s gone. Monotone life and usual anxiety, some usual drama and politics that my hometown will have new government body. Everything’s according to keikaku* – the rest of them, I don’t know – I hope my workplace doesn’t suddenly close when I’m still there. I don’t recall that many events happening this year, so – well, first let’s see what I’ve written last January. Looks like my life is summed up in the comments.

*note: keikaku means plan.

  • Repair relationship with God. Oh my Lord Lucifer, hahahaha. The candle light that is faith has long dead. Not because I deny existence of He who oversees everything, it is because I simply don’t care anymore. Eternal torture doesn’t sound so bad since living on earth is pretty much like hell already. Don’t worry, though, I still believe there is a god. Probably.
  • Continue making Tree of Savior Comic once per week. I was no longer able to log in to the game after big patch, not to mention I’ve quit MMORPG altogether after my drama with my former partner.
  • Finish the Death Corps comic. Did I mention I’ve had a drama with my former partner? I despise everything related to her now, including MMO, drawing, roleplay, and my original characters. I didn’t realize it’d made a traumatic blow until later. Now I had to struggle to patch myself up.
  • Continuing QUE? comic once per week. My ex-boss messaged a good luck in one of the post. I immediately ditch this project, delete his comment, and block him. Gotta be in-character, the grudge has to live on.
  • Starting Webtoon about something. This one, I swear, is the worst wish I’d ever written. I’d prefer starting some but not to gain any attention.
  • Have a job. Thank Bahamut I got a job this year. It’s not free from conflicts and drama, but I like it because 1) money, 2) have a private office, 3) no shitty boss, 4) I don’t give shit about bonding with people, 5) smaller depression. I no longer care about my future as long as I got all these things.
  • Watching Star Wars Episode VIII. We don’t talk about Star Wars: The Last Jedi. It’s abomination and a disgrace to original LucasArt Film. 5/10.
  • Becoming pun master and the lord of shitposting. I’m surpassed by “Rajin Pangkal Pun-dai”s admin.

As you can see, my 2017 is bland but still shitty af. Depression came punching right after that incident with my roleplaying partner, the one I considered good friend. It lasted a whole year. I feel a bit better now, though. Why should I be the only one who feel miserable when she went on with her happy life and her new nakama after I left. She never cared about me in the first place after all. It’s a good riddance.

(more…)

*clears throat* One, Two, and One Two Three!
Ah! Good day, everyone and all the readers who happen to pass by. Greetings to you, ladies and gentlemen all ’round the world. As the fourteenth year of the two millennia in history has ended, let me congratulate you for passing through the most, ye – the most ridiculous year and welcome the fifteenth!

Happy New Year 2015!
Let this year gives you all the fluff, cottons, and happiness

First of all, what I should say – *opens a cheat sheet and clears throat* Oh, yes, I should reflect on myself in last year and move on to a promise and resolution for this year. Forth, and here we go! Click this and you’ll be redirected to my last year’s post, 1.1.2014 and… don’t stare at it too much or your eyes will burn! Quick, turn your gaze to this post again, and follow my lead.

Okay, second of all, let me get you a quick review about last days of 2014 – as usual, bad news happen. I don’t want to tell whole story without adding some rage on it, since if someone happened to google that “keyword”, my reputation will be like rolling down the hill and heated arguments will be all over my dash… OH WAIT, this paragraph is just a copy and paste from earlier post! How uncreative of me! Alright, here I go with the actual review of 2014. Give grand applause for the year of….!

Tragedy!

Ah? Looks like I don’t read it wrong today, how strange… Hmm, what is this written in very awful handwriting. Let me read it for you…

  1. Year of discrimination, gender wars, feminism and sexism, war in the name of religion and racism
  2. Year of fanaticism, chauvinism, and full of lies
  3. Year of hypocrisy, naivety, and blind idealism
  4. Year of disaster, transportation accidents, and conspiracy

Oh whoa, that is a very amazing list I wrote here. Let us review one by one… The first one is year of discrimination. Perhaps you will quickly agree with me if I state a keyword: “Michael Brown”. Perhaps more than that, since last year is the sign of fight for feminism and gender equality especially in US. The war in the name of religion? You should be reminded of Islamic State who launched terrorism and genocide just in the name of ‘religion’. Racism? Oh, that is a very ancient issue that will never be settled. That is for the world, I guess. As for me?? Oh *stifle laughter* of course I’m part of it! There’s nothing like gender wars in my case, since I am rather hikki. But the religion thing is pretty much true, remember the old days I just want to, like, puke. Six days ago, that is. Ah, people never learn nor change. They will defend themselves like they are the most righteous people in the earth.

Year of fanaticism! People, hark, what had happened during Presidential Election in 2014. ‘Tis Indonesia, truest color, people – even in the family – hate each other just because they share different idea about two candidates and if you missed the news, some people feared 1998 would erupt once again that they flew to other country to save themselves. Ye, this presidential election war ended superbly and people looked content with that. But because of that, the weeks of hell, I am forced to unfriend people in my social media – a sign that I don’t fucking care anymore and that didn’t give me any benefit! Chauvinism! The lies and praises are too big to be understood. I am rather naive about this, perhaps media knows better.

Moving to another one, hypocrisy! This should be saved later – if you can peek into my brain right now, you can see it very clearly why I said it is all just hypocrisy! The impact is enough for me to reconsider my future and dream, that if I followed my ideal it would be hellish. Perhaps I was being too naive. Perhaps it is better if I, say, become a NEET or an artist, photographer, something I like to do… Looking back at my thesis, which should be done this year – or next – I wonder about that. What is exactly the “that” I’m talking about? Oh, boy, monsieur, if I tell you publicly like this, perhaps I have become the most hatoful fiend on earth. No one wants to listen to it, anyway. It’s just an old news with old system. If you observe it closer, you’ll know eventually.

Year of disaster! Too frigging much ships sinks and planes crashed and look at the handling by officials – it is a bit laughble. Too much wars and looks like the economy is also crippling. Too much discrimination on court, where laws are like a game and people only care about money-making. Some of idealists are sticking to their idealism blindly without seeing the reality, those who stay awake to the real world forget about what they can do to repair it. We are living in a society where we can only follow the system, corrupt or not. Keep your ideal, you’re losing. Keep the reality, you won’t be moving. Me? I’m here whistling – where’s my popcorn, dear? The world’s like a good comedic soap opera. I want to watch it to the end.

Do I sense sarcasm here? No, dear, no. I’m just talking like past me, 2014’s me. Now, let’s see… who am I now?

Now, now, let”s see… *stares at the cheat sheet* Oh! The resolution!

  1. finished thesis’s research by the end of the year. (this is quite predictable)
    LOL NO
  2. finished one artwork per month. (this is really what I have promised since three years ago)
    AWWW YISS some are doodles but who cares.
  3. finished one complete work. (this is also part of my promise since high-school)
    I HAVE! AND SOLD IT! three of it but I won’t share them here heh heh
  4. going back to Japan for two weeks. (this is really what I will do since I have paid my flight-tickets)
    …if I didn’t fly, someone needs to return me the flight ticket
  5. going to Sweden as exchange student (I know it’s a contract between ITB and Bores but…)
    LOL NO
  6. become one with Kyuubei
    I’ve become such an asshole this year it means I’ve become one with Kyuubei
  7. let’s see if I get scholarship or not…
    I regretted myself I got it

Look at those incredible resolutions I made last year! Perhaps I was rather insane when wrote those! Ah, let’s see… hmm…. — sheesh, screw writing it all over again, let’s move the cursor over there and type something like a boss… THERE! With bolds and strikes! Perfect! Looks like I wrote “LOL NO” twice. Do you want to know why? LOL NO. Why I should ever tell you – *being choked to death* – I… I mean, the reason behind it is pretty nasty so I don’t want to share any… now let me just move on to the 2015’s New Year Resolution!

  1. Become a human with a God since watching the soap opera is tiring and I need a companion
  2. Graduate because it is mandatory, whatever it takes
  3. Having fun, since being dirty is not my call.

There! Only three, but personal projects are quite many, including one artworks per month and one published complete work in a year. I have to graduate since it is mandatory or my scholarship will be taken down, so… *stifles laughter* Oh, no, no, don’t mind me… It is fun to see you guys next – err, I mean, this year.

 

Oh wow! I wanted to write something about Christmas but it’s been New Year already! — wait, it’s like de ja vu…. or it is me copy-pasting the post from one year later. It’s been a long time since I updated my last post here, I wonder where I was… Truth is, I have some photographs to be shared (including Christmas, flowers and some cute kittens update) but I don’t know what to write. Perhaps scrolling down tumblr and lurking around twitter’s timeline ate half of my brain -ha!

First of all, to all dear readers, happy new year 2014! I know it’s not too late – at least, it’s still 8PM in Indonesia right now! Yay and be merry~ ヾ(*´∇`)ノ  Let this year be awesome, full of blessings, and good fortunes!

Okay, second of all, let me get you a quick review about last days of 2013 – as usual, bad news happen. I don’t want to tell whole story without adding some rage on it, since if someone happened to google that “keyword”, my reputation will be like rolling down the hill and heated arguments will be all over my dash. It’s related to my current situation, scholarship wise, and when I am reminded of that, I just want to sing “Let it Go : honest version” by Elsa the Snow Queen. The morale of the story is…

“Trust God because He is Omnipotent. Humans can’t be counted upon.”

I have trouble dealing with earthlings even AT 1.1.2014, because the event severely affects my whole (life) study and I will just go…. “oh fuck!” without any censorship. This is 1.1 to start brand new resolutions and thought, a day where all people in the world tried to look back to the past and see what they had done. Even it is not 1.1, nothing is ever too late if you realize it sooner – don’t wait until 1.1 or next month or next semester – do it now. That’s what I always think. But for these kind of nasty possibility that is out of our reach and we don’t have power to change or even argue, shrug it off. They are earthlings, which means, you cannot be naive enough to trust them fully. In other uncensored words of advice, “dance on their palms and be a good girl they want you to be” to get what you want, or else it will fly away from you. I’m talking about scholarship. Oh wait, do I develop sarcasm?

Alright, leave that topic alone, now it’s time for New Year celebration! As usual, let’s go back one year later and see what I have written there…..

  1. I want to start researching again after PLN gives us normal supply of electricity. Please, please, please, please….
  2. I want to master efficient gambling method before February. I want to gamble in Monte Carlo’s CASINO, since I’ll go to JAIST for WinterSchool Quantum Monte Carlo workshop with CASINO, and I should learn about it first beforehand so I’ll not look like an idiot there.
  3. I want to evolve into Kyuubei. I’ll be 23 this year and I should stop messing around like a penguin or amoeba.
  4. I want to continue my study as a physicist, anywhere with scholarship. HA! I’ll let God lead my way, because I know He holds my fate. If I ended up in the forest of CMD again, I’ll certainly do it wholeheartedly. If to Japan, God blesses me. If not, I can follow my friend’s path in Tanggerang, but let it be the last decision I’ll make. One thing regarding this resolution is I don’t want to burden my parents anymore, so I’ll either work or study this year. Oh yeah, I’m still working as Tinker’s illustrator, but I guess I’m not that suitable hahaa…
  5. The last, as my oath to myself since 3rd grade Junior High, I want to make a complete artwork. So far, I’ve always made one although I couldn’t say they were successful. For three years I’ve done for RP groups (doujin and manga). Who knows what will I make for this year.

Yup, yup! It’s been quite long for a rant already, read more under the cut…. but before that

HAHHAHAA- DID I MENTION HOW I WANT TO MASTER QMC BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT THERE-! *insert an odd laugh here* Of course, before I come to second resolution review, I have to consider the first. First of all, the PLN doesn’t dancing like it was teenager girl in HardRock Cafe this year – and we got four high-specs computers from Supermicro. I didn’t manage to do much about it but my research topic was continued by my fellow labmates. And the second…. let me laugh at it again. Yes, I meet amazing friends and until now I still remember our moments together and their faces. They are awesome – you heard me. It was my first time going abroad alone and do everything alone in someone’s country in which they didn’t speak English. I have made friends and beautiful experience. And eh- about QMC… let me laugh at it again, this time in tears and mixed in some weeps. You know the rest.  I DO look like an idiot there fyi.

Congratulations for me, I have evolved into Kyuubei and now I changed some of my avatars to that creature with “contract?” dialogue stamped on its forehead. Going back to last year, I have developed some nasty attitude and didn’t even bother to censor my swearing words or my anger. I followed politics and social-media commentaries about culture and such, which I regretted myself by doing so, because all of them were giving me hard times. Some of them are so illogical that I have a desire to smack the capslock button so hard and type something as counter-arguments. Then, after reviewing my “clumsy and reckless” behavior, I realized that this is internet. Internet’s first rule is “one’s words can be turned against you; no exception“. That’s true – WHICH means when you disagree, you have proven this sentence yourself. True or false is no longer absolute, everyone has their own opinion – logical or not. Oh, the heck about “freedom of speech”. NSA and spying happen last year, and no shock to it. To control your people, you have to understand and to monitor them and rob them their “said-freedom”. That’s how society works. Don’t be fooled, don’t be so naive, I grew last year around these kind of topic that made me quite… a devil myself.

Then, let’s continue the review. I left Tinker, you had known why, and I entered CMD-QE in ITB again because I didn’t even manage to pass the administrative qualification for whatever reason – which in fact I found a doubt after reading who got the scholarships and who was not. I haven’t stressed it’s all politics enough. I paid my tuition fee by the help of my parents, but striving to get scholarship and working as illustration freelancer in deviantArt by opening paypal commissions. I nearly get it. Nearly. Yes. Close enough but haven’t because some reasons unspeakable that brought me in raging state. “The rest, is up to God”.

The last of the review is… I’ve done it 🙂 It was about roleplay group again, a mini 10+ pages comic about my original characters and was sold (twice, different ‘circle’ and different ‘story’ but the drawings are by me — I mean, half of it — at least I got the credit; it was so complicated) in local Comic Market. It was finished already and my proudest opinion so far is……!

I don’t want to see it anymore.

(more…)

Oh wow! I wanted to write something about Christmas but it’s been New Year already! It’s really been a year! Let’s do some copy-pasting:

To all readers, happy new year 2012! ヾ(*´∇`)ノ  Let this year be awesome, full of blessings, and good fortunes!

I’ve heard about some bad news these first days of 2013, starting of Citizen should bow to the neighbor club, unfortunatelly no 6-1 this year huh… *disappointed* ( ・_・)ノ… murder case in my hometown – oh wait – it’s been around since forever and the good news are I heard police has captured most of motorcycle thieves and murderers… Although there are some bad news around you, don’t let them reduce your spirit to do good works. Will always be  there, keep good spirit and hop hop hop! Like I tweeted, 1.1 is an easy-to-remember date each year to start over all things new, like Billy Graham said: “Clean the Blackboard and Start Anew”, why not another date because nothing is already too late to start anew? Because we tend to forget, to move on from date to date without realizing that very date – even our birthday passes like nothing special going, and we only concern about present; not future, not the past. But on New Year, 1.1, whether the first “1” is month or date, we start the day with fireworks. Like they are brightly say to each of us:

“Hey, pal! It’s New Year! It’s Earth’s Birthday! Let’s start this year new, and let the blessing comes upon us! What’s your vision for future this year, matey? Oh, what have you done last year? Terrible, terrible! You can’t do anything about the past, but you can learn from them. Clean the blackboard and start a new life in this new year!”

Alright! Now time to look back to the past a bit before move on to see the future. What did I write back then last year…..

I’ll share what to post here until July (my aimed graduation)!
HERE UNTIL JULY (MY AIMED GRADUATION)!
JULY (MY AIMED GRADUATION)!
(AIMED GRADUATION!)
(GRADUATION)! /dies suffocated/

  1. Things about my undergraduate thesis! I haven’t touched them even though I’ve written the abstract for QED-C’s admission oTL;; I should graduate in July since it’s part of my vow for Osaka Univ, if I am to be accepted to study there for master and doctoral program. That means also an extremely hard works! I’ll be using DL_POLY for Molecular Dynamics Modeling,  which I haven’t tried since I have to do it, perhaps, with my campus’ cluster and palodozen. [ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA /dies laughing ] Did I really write this kind of thing? Ah… ehm, well….. you see. I gave up July Graduation and graduated on October. But it wasn’t even my full-research topic, I just did the equilibration which was the 1/32 part of all research on Molecular Dynamics. I did use palodozen though. It’s my responsibility now to pass my knowledge to juniors 🙂 ]
  2. QUE 4koma Project will be updated every day or every week, because may be I don’t have enough time for drawing properly until July :,D [ AHAHAHAHAA /dies crying/ Did I really write this kind of thing? I do really wish I could, but I fail me. ]
  3. Something about soundscape (my friend’s thesis). It’s a very interesting topic! I’ll give some of examples but don’t expect me to give it in lossless format XD since I’ll only record voices with my cellphone recorder. [ ….I didn’t even have opportunity to leave my freezing laboratory this year ]

Research said (I read without seeing the source, but well it’s logical) making new year resolution gives off depression. Everyone tends to fail their expectation since – nah – we have such a very high spirit in the new day of the year. But I think that’s OK. If we are already depressed in the first day, how about the latter days? Just dream. Is it impossible? Whatever. Do have a dream, and from a dream, grab that impossibility. My first resolution in 2012 was to graduate in July, and until March I still aimed that. But then I gave up. But I knew, I dreamt of having graduated in that 2012! So, I pursued October, and I did it. International presentation as bonus. I didn’t fulfil my promise to Handaigaku, but I thought that was better.

(more…)

To all readers, happy new year 2012! ヾ(*´∇`)ノ  Let this year be awesome, full of blessings, and good fortunes!

I’ve heard about some bad news these first days of 2012, starting from the lost of two Mancheste–wait… okay, I’m The Citizen’s fan ( ・_・)ノ… murder case in my hometown, crisis in politics and economics… Although there are some bad news around you, don’t let them reduce your spirit to do good works. One of my friend tweeted, “why (people usually set good resolution and wait for next year to do another resolution) always in new year, why not new day, new minute, new second…”. And I received an answer from my prof in etiquette course that these days (my nation) people are sick and we need to brace ourselves, strengthen our belief and faith to counter the tides. It’s a very good advice, never cease to do good works, don’t let critiques and bad issues affect what you’ve believed, and – the most important thing – let God leads you according to His plan.

Alright! Now time to share what to post here until July (my aimed graduation)!

  1. Things about my undergraduate thesis! I haven’t touched them even though I’ve written the abstract for QED-C’s admission oTL;; I should graduate in July since it’s part of my vow for Osaka Univ, if I am to be accepted to study there for master and doctoral program. That means also an extremely hard works! I’ll be using DL_POLY for Molecular Dynamics Modeling,  which I haven’t tried since I have to do it, perhaps, with my campus’ cluster and palodozen.
  2. QUE 4koma Project will be updated every day or every week, because may be I don’t have enough time for drawing properly until July :,D
  3. Something about soundscape (my friend’s thesis). It’s a very interesting topic! I’ll give some of examples but don’t expect me to give it in lossless format XD since I’ll only record voices with my cellphone recorder.