Actually this post is pretty subjective and I am not really a person who have theoretical knowledge in this area. But according to dictionaries across google, the word apathy has same meaning: lack of emotion, interest, or concern. It’s originated from Greek word a- and -pathos, which literally means emotion-less. Aside of the what’s written in Wikipedia (it has good summary!), this word is often described by society as people who don’t care. For example – the most widely known as apathetic people in my country is “(Local-uni) College students, who is the future generation of Great Indonesia, who don’t engage to public riot or scholarly arguments about what happen in today’s politics“. Moreover, “those who shrugs off issues and do their own things” are also called one.

Before I proceed to usual rant, let us try to break down what causes people to be so apathetic (in social term. Because people love sophisticated foreign vocabulary, that is). Here is Csikszentmihalyi’s flow model I copied from Apathy wikipedia page, and it has nice summary.

The x-axis is “Skill Level” and y-axis is “Challenge Level” as mentioned above. I don’t want to think about the other aside of that Apathy (Low in skill level and Low in challenge level), but I think you guys can see what it means already without even seeing the explanation in Wikipedia. I believe this flow diagram is universal and my interpretation isn’t that far from reality, but you may want to correct me if I’m going too far.

Still don’t get it? Let’s take an easy example, imagine this happens in a kitchen: now you’re a chef. I’ll start by skill level high (Master Chef!), usual Cook in  mid-skill level, and Instant-Noodle-College-Student skill level.

If you’re a Master Chef and is given a job to cook 1-km pizza for Guiness Book of Record, as a Master Chef with skill you must have known what to do. You may be fully focused on your task. You’re in the zone.  When there is a challenge, say to make a mashed potato for thirty people in limited time, you’re just “Nah” and do it like it’s everyday thing you do. But when you’re being told to make an instant noodle, you’ll be… showing a :I emoticon while doing that, all because you’re professional.

Now, let’s move to mid-so-so-skill (By the way that arousal term is so misleading…)! If you only consider cooking as hobby and not really good or bad in it, when you are ordered to make 1-km pizza, it’s like “Oh god, oh god… hmm, what should I do… bake the crust first… then pepperoni…”. It’s not all chaotic because you get the skill even though it’s not as good as Master Chef, but it’s the feeling of a mix between excitement of a new challenge and fear of failure. You know better. Everyone has experienced it. An instant noodle? What do you think you’ll say? “Ew, just instant noodle again? Can you give me something more challenging… I think my cooking skill isn’t that bad”.

Let’s move to the last, Poor-College-Student-who-can-only-cook-Water skill level. When they’re given a task to make 1-km pizza, you’ll be all panic, shrieking “HOW CAN I DO THAT STUFF GDI” while biting your thumbnail and have heart attack. When you’re given a task about mashed potato thing, you’ll be worried if you can do it, or not, or yes, or not, or yes, or not… no no no, I cannot do it – but I haven’t tried and it’s just usual mashed potato and there is a recipe of it… it looks kinda easy. So you’ll ponder if you can do it for all eternity. But when you’re given an order to cook an instant noodle, you will….

Shh… no tears. Only dreams now.

Now here is the rant:

I applied as Engineering Team related to Design (but first task was to code – what),
My mailing list is registered to Transformation and Operation Team,
My SLACK messenger is registered to Data Team,
My desk is in Enterprise Team (when I’m never invited to a meeting even once),
My lunchbox has listed me as Marketing Team,
and I worked as self-proclaimed Quality Assessment.

You can see the point why I turned apathetic.
I have zero skill in IT stuffs, especially programming and scripting and I’ve told them so in the interview but they still let me in. I have college-student-who-can-only-boil-water-for-lunch skill and suddenly in my first day of work I’m given an order to bake a 1-km pizza. He lowered the order to bake mashed potatoes for thirty people for limited time next day, which I hesitantly did it but I thought I did good even without code (there are plenty friendly scraping software after all). It didn’t take so long until I felt like having become a rustled jimmies. Everyday I constantly worried about my role, and the founder’s “encouragement” allowing me to do anything I thought was right sounded like sarcasm since I have to wonder what roles fitted me best.

“Let’s see, I… uh… what am I good at again?

I searched long, trying to contribute and I found something that was definitely missing in the company. They need a QA! The products were delivered without any QA in the website. I then did that for one month, until I realized that nobody cared about this even though it looked important and it didn’t give me challenge because I just literally became an alarm clock which would never be heard by other team. “Why should I do something for this people who never hear me even once?”, and that’s the sign I stopped caring – just like my last employer. That’s the reason I turned apathetic.

“What do you want from me when you let me in?” I asked. Still asking six month later, but still got no answer. I’m done waiting.

сука блять иди нахуй