2016-01-09-703

Jakarta, surprisingly clean city

Jakarta is a lovable city and I really mean it. The streets look fabulously… huge (and clean too)! As a person coming from not-so-small city but not a metropolis, I quickly awed by how awesome my country’s capital is. In the heart of capital, everything looks neat and tidy, the river (brown but meh) is surprisingly clean surpassing my earlier expectation. I can walk at 8PM normally (may be because I live near office complexes and all) and people are still hanging out even after night falls. If I have complained for weeks about loud minaret, now I have overcome the problem. My body has adapted well and I slept like a dead log until alarm wakes me up. Now listening to minarets and our brethren’s (loud) weekly lectures feel really common.

Time flies fast, and that’s not an exaggeration. I’d never thought I had stayed in Jakarta for more than three months, even though I’m still whining about getting back home since my first days here. Many things happened – I had learned the hard way – pleasant and unpleasant, but that’s life. Now I have a  bigger problem that I have to face: my own future.

Quarter life crisis hits me like a brick since the beginning of this year. I feel doubtful of my own life, what I really want and what I really need. Need comes first, they said, and I know I need money to life. My parents know this – that’s why they don’t agree with me resigning so fast. They always tell me about: money money money. I have to be here because I paid more than having to work elsewhere. Where else do you get this amount of money per month?

I have given in. Money comes first, I thought, and that’s the only reason why I’m still here. Why not, I thought, it‘s good. Even if the job given to me isn’t what I  like, as long as I get rich amount of money and good friends as well as good environment, I can give it another try. I’ll stay, I thought, because I’m preserved.

But then I lift my head and see the road in front of me that I refuse to acknowledge. What good will you be by staying here? The question makes everything seem shallow. It is not good at all. I don’t know whom I working for and why am I here. Am I worthy to receive the payment while other people with bigger contribution given much less? What role do I have here? I’m no longer UX Analyst like what I want myself to be. I don’t even know if I can grow here.

There was a saying, growing is your choice. Meaning that you can grow wherever you are if you want to embrace learning. Then I look into myself and try to answer the question lingering in me for a week: is it a sin? I know if I want, I can grow to be a better “Operation Data Entry Janitor” and whatnot (since I don’t really have a title in this company). But ’tis not what I want myself to be.

There’s a whisper that telling me that I’d better working as a research assistant paid 10usd per month with all government drama but I can gobble all knowledge about material science than staying here with pile of money without someone I can share my passion to. I’d better come back to game developer as illustration where I can draw 24/7 and write a story and tell everyone my idea than staying in a field I don’t even like a bit.

I soon have to make a choice, once again. When the time comes, I have to make sure I don’t regret.

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