Everyone has dreams. But not everyone have a dream that is able to be fulfilled – like a man in death bed wanting to go to Pluto. Even if they pursue the dream, a tall wall called reality is standing there, in layers, rougher than diamond, tougher than graphene. Like teleportation device and time machine a 14-century man dreamed of. You may work toward your big dream, but may be you aren’t there when it is here. It sucks.

I have given up my dreams. To be either a researcher, a professor, engineer, a game concept artist, a mangaka, a novelist… I can perhaps reach my hand to one of them if I push myself hard enough, but the tall wall called reality is blocking my sight. Politics. Economy. Family. Society. Everything I do seems to be wrong in the eyes of people. It seems for me becoming a ground potato or a useless clump of meat a better idea. Parents nag at me and I have zero right to fight them. Society sees me as a lazyass who only draw whatever I want and not making money. People yell at me to make progress – “for Indonesia! for Lord Jesus! for almamater!” – while they are hypocrite bastards who also tell me to crush my own dreams. I am becoming a puppet who dances at someone’s toes and the energy to break the wall has been all used to keep myself sane. Gaming is my escapism (better and cheaper than smoking cannabis or committing suicide). It’s good to regulate my mood to normal, to keep me from being strained. But then, I wonder if the boss will rob that too from me (if that happens, I will kindly give you my middle finger).

This is my 2015. Next year, I am living on my own although I am not sure I can be relieved of these shackles. But that’s enough, I think. I will slowly revise my own goal, so I can still move on and live. First. to get money.

Buy gaming laptop enough to run EB in HD.
Buy audio-technica set.
Buy Intuos.
Fast internet. At least until the ingame ping drops below 100ms.
Work on own’s artbook. I don’t give a shit about selling it. No one will buy.
Buy Nikon DSLR Camera.
Start learning photography. Which will cost more than my drawing hobby.

and the last life goal:
Own a house in Iceland
Living alone with a samoyed peacefully,
Visiting Chernobyl for a week once in a lifetime,
Taking Trans-Siberian Train Economy Class and drink Vodka,
Running around St. Peter Basilica without reason,
and become Pokemon Master.

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